Forgiveness

27^th of October 2020

I went to washroom at 2:15 to pee. I came back and checked my phone, if there aren’t any miss calls.

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep on my bed, but I was, unable to sleep, even after having a sleep of just 4 hours, the previous night and a pleasure of peeing. I heard something. I heard someone sob.

I saw glimpses of tears. I was sweating in the cold weather.

My hands started trembling and I moaned for help but the whole world was asleep. I checked my phone again. I saw a message.

“Why do I deserve this?”

My head started to wind around of very possible situation where I have had hurt people. I was blank out at that moment. No brainstorming occurred. No thoughts.

It was difficult to remember anything when a new text came which jeopardized the situation.

“- The one you love the most”

I held my phone close to my chest and started crying out loud.

26^th October 2018

The day where it all started.

I was wondering about you, about your hair when it falls down on your face, about your smile which can stop the new born baby from crying, about your eyes which can hypnotized any creature living and about our silly-lovable talks.

It was 13:00 when my heart beat started to accelerate. Every single second became so difficult to get through. It almost felt like, I don’t know, graveyard where you are waiting for someone, alive, but all you see is wind along with dead leaves. My cup of tea has frozen and the parathas have soaked all the air. Everything at that time became soundless that only the clock’s tick-tock sound made some moment to bang my eardrums. My hands were like paralyzed and my eyes were focused at a point, neither left nor right of it. The clock was ticking slowly-slowly.

When the clock showed 13‘o 25 I got some nerve and picked up my phone which has been on charge for, like, decades because I love the sound, which come out of my phone, whenever I plug it to charge.

The clock turned to 13’o 42 when my phone rings. Goosebumps announced their arrival, and my heart beat was somewhere exceeding the speed of light. When I answered the call, everything seems to calm down. My blood pressure which was high as Mt. Everest went down the ground, I started hearing my breath and removed my phone from the charger.

Yeah. You are right. It was her call and her voice is the soothing melody that cooled me down, brought me back to mortal life.

We talked for like 5 minutes and I was already appreciating my waiting-skill.

It was 13’o 48 when I went to this world of dream where I was dancing, on the song, “Let’s see what the night can do, with her. We both suck at dancing (Fuck you, laughers) and fell down at every chores (I was trying lifts, so?!).

I had my lunch, the meal couldn’t taste better, as it had an ingredient, and I always prefer, her sweet voice. Yeah, fuck you, I do eat while talking to her. I do many things while talking to her. None of them of your business.

So everything was going smoothly like one of those smoothies I never had because of lack of money. So this topic came up (which I won’t mention, sorry readers.) which triggered my anger. (Yeah fine, my anger wasn’t justified myself, only. So we had this fight where my words were telling something else and their meaning a way different from the words. I never meant all that, but my rage was on my nose, means I can tell you how angry I was. Yeah so? I can’t see my nose without the help of a mirror, same goes for my rage. I can’t see it with my sense, she tells me.)

Triggering my anger is like an hour of the boring lecture you always miss and get hurt by as it’s necessary for the exam.

 Jokes apart.

The situation was intense and I could smell of something really bad. She stopped fighting and became quite. I couldn’t speak more, because I know she was in pain (hurt). The pain Caesar, also, never had after getting stabbed by one of his favorites. I started feeling a weight on my heart which, as I know, had to carry for lifetime. I couldn’t tell you her pain, no one can. She only knows it. I was broken after hearing her sob. I imagined her asking someone to heal her, but she was stuck with an asshole like me. I couldn’t do anything. I was numb. My hands were shaking, my head was rotating, in every direction possible, To and fro.

My face went pale, by only imagining how badly she was crying. (I am horrible, horrible person.)

Then somehow I got up to my feet and tried convincing her, that I never meant anything. She FORGAVE ME. That hit me hard. I couldn’t handle more so I asked if she can give me 5 minutes alone. But guys, she loves me. So she never let me go. At that moment, I had no words. I can never forgive myself for what I did. It’s even worse than anything.

She is like the best thing, which can only happen once. I break her every time and she re-joins herself and come again to me expecting that I will keep her safe. I want to but I am a destroyed guy. I try hard but no, nothing on the progress bar.

This fight again happened on the very next day, 27^th October 2018 and for next three days and every time she forgives me.

After every fight she finds, herself responsible. She always says that I love her the most. But, really?

27^th October 2020

I woke up and went straight to the kitchen, to my life, who just came in the morning from her vacations, where she was preparing breakfast for both of us. I told her about the event that took place last night. She hugged me and said, “Oh, baby boy I mean that the love you give and you still didn't save my number, ass hat”

She whispered, “You can never hurt me, jaan”.